UFO: n. Unidentified Flying Objector. n. A person who flies through cyberspace loudly objecting when any statement fails to exactly fit his (very narrow) personal belief system.Highly active online in religious debates, which he starts several times a day. Often a polarized fundamentalist who considers it his Holy Calling to correct the errant beliefs of those who dares to disagree with him. Especially violent against anyone who is even thinking about thinking outside the spaceship he has locked God in.

                A word of caution: If you ever decide to, say, write a blog/book which exposes your bare soul and spiritual journey to the world-at-large, BEWARE! UFOs will quickly cover the horizon, seeking to abduct or to destroy you.

                  If possible, they will attempt abduction by trying to beam you up with vast theological arguments. If you could only see the Light as we do, you would agree with us! And be saved!   (Well. The “Light” the UFOs are trying so hard to show? It’s hidden under a bushel of ego.)

                  If abduction is impossible? They will try to destroy you. Quickly! By reducing you to tears with word-weapons of mass soul destruction, aka spiritual exclusion-ism. (Everyone is going to hell! And you are leading them there!). Don’t worry, they will conduct all of this attacking in the spirit of brotherly love! By always being ready to mount a defense offense of their faith!

You probably know at least one Unidentified Flying Objector. However, if you desire to be prepared for inevitable abduction/destruction attempts, and are not certain whether you are dealing with a certified UFO, evaluate him with the following criteria:

1. If he appears in a courtroom, he is quickly be thrown out for disorderly conduct.
2. If he is a moviegoer, he yells “Fire!!!” at the first glimpse of a lighter.
3. If he is a guest at a dinner party…oh wait, he wouldn’t be invited because he would offend all the other guests.
4. If you read his posts, you want to throw your computer against the wall and quit searching for faith, because he stands for everything you hate about religion.

UFOs are usually very good people. Unfortunately, you would never know it.

So.

This is my personal appeal to the UFOs of the world: Please. Stop. You aren’t helping your cause. You are hurting it.

After publishing this article and thereby inciting UFO wrath, I plan to postion my tin foil hat, descend the stairs to my soul shelter, and work on exercising my forgiveness and tolerance muscles during the coming blog post-a-pocalypse.